Considering a Crucifix...
I've never considered getting a crucifix before BUT today it crossed my mind.
I once heard the opinion that because the crucifix portrays Christ on the cross, it doesn't accurately reflect who He is as our RISEN Lord. I thought it was pretty valid at the time. After all, I've been frustrated when people have told the story of Jesus' death and stopped right there. And later when I was a children's pastor it frustrated me when curriculums would have the kids wait until a following week to hear about His resurrection! To me, they are hand in hand and so, I've always preferred an empty cross.

But today, I was mourning. I was feeling the cost of leaving my family, friends and my dog (shout out to Ivy!) to move to another country. More than that though, motherhood has been painful recently and this season has been stripping me of dependency on almost everything other than God. We've left our close-contact support system behind and, while we build another, we're learning to cling to Him in ways we haven't before.
The uprooting and transition has been hard for the kids. Emotions have settled and enjoyment of our new environment has set in, but we are left with a broken sleeping schedule and some separation anxiety. Add in that we are in a small apartment together most of the time... and hello, exhaustion!
(Care-givers, I know you will hear this. I know you will feel this..)
The kicker is that in the tiredness, I still have to parent. I still have to love. It's still time to serve and it's still time to give of myself even when I'm at the end of myself. I'm laying down my preferences, my desires and sometimes even my needs. I'm laying down my sleep and at the same time trying to lay down my impatience, frustration, and downright anger.
If parenthood isn't a lesson in dying to yourself then I don't know what is!
We say we depend on God, but how do our hearts respond when we can depend on little else? I feel as if my heart has been opened up in surgery, for the removal of things long hidden because they haven't been tested at this level before. I'm learning once again that dying to yourself is painful but beautiful.
How is this beautiful?!
UGH, it doesn't feel beautiful! However, within the pain there's been an invitation from the Lord to look at Him.
Today, it was Him on the cross. Broken and weak.

I was filled with a longing to hold a crucifix and to look upon a physical expression of my Lord on the cross, with His body torn for me: a picture of His suffering and of His sacrifice.
"He knows! He knows!" my heart cried as I looked at a picture on the internet of a wooden crucifix carving.
It feels petty to place my suffering beside His but He doesn't condemn me. He comforts me. He really does know. He knows the pain of constantly laying down His rights and ultimately His life. He knows what it is to live a life of sacrifice. He gave up everything. He knows our sorrows because He carried them. He knows our 'stripes' because He bore them. And yet for the joy set before Him, He endured the cross.
My pain is nothing compared to His and yet He sits with me in mine.
And so I sit with Him in His.
'When suffering forces us to our knees at the foot of Calvary, we die to self. We cannot kneel there for long without releasing our pride and anger, unclasping our dreams and desires...
In exchange, God implants power and implants new and lasting hope."*
As I sit with Him in His suffering, I'm comforted in mine. I'm not alone. I am not condemned.
I am weak.
But He is strong.
He is my strength.
He is my hope.
He is the builder of good things.
He is a good heart surgeon.
He is replacing ashes for beauty.
He is removing everything that cannot be taken into this new season.
He IS resurrection life and...
He lives in ME.
He is SO good.
*Joni E. Tada & Stephen Estes. When God weeps: Why our sufferings matter to the Almighty
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